Do you know what you’re saying to yourself?

This article is directly cut from Richard’s book Legacies, within the Keep It Moving chapter. Enjoy!

There’s an old saying that goes something like this: If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. In short, it’s only in doing something different that you might expect to get a new outcome. And if you’re looking to improve, change, and grow, the best way to change the outcome is to change how you do what you do. 

The fundamental skills that most influence our communication lie in our Emotional Quotient (EQ) or Emotional Intelligence (EI). This is about the ability to control your own emotions; and then to influence the emotions of others.

The first ‘major’ communication in any situation is not what you say to others; it’s what you say to yourself – because what you say to yourself (or what you think) determines and drives your feelings, which in turn drive your actions, in what you do and say.

“I’m not doing it! It’s not my turn! PJ’s such an arse for making you think that it’s not his turn!” 

Isaac was livid, and probably fairly so; somehow his brother had convinced us that it was Isaac's week for unloading the dishwasher – but we were wrong. So Isaac was angry, and so was his communication; irrational and fiery, spitting out names and abuse at all of us. I think anyone in a family can relate to this! In these situations, emotions take control, and our words give vent to those emotions; but this generally doesn’t lead to the desired outcome. Certainly in this case it hadn’t; our attention was now diverted from the issue of fairness, as we now focused instead on how Isaac was communicating his anger, and the names he was using. 

If we want to break the pattern where our habits determine our outcomes, and where our feelings drive our interactions, how do we do that?

Creating a new habit, developing a new behaviour, and changing how we do things can be challenging. Applying a new skill can be especially difficult if it goes against your pattern of behaviour. Hopefully the following few pages can help.

Getting control of our habits and behaviours can be one of the most difficult tasks in life.

Especially as we get older, the more ingrained our habits have become, it can be challenging to change those patterns.

We all make choices to behave in different ways in various situations. Whether we do this consciously or not, our behaviours change and often determine our outcomes.

Take the example of a situation in which someone does something that annoys you. Maybe they cut in front of you in peak traffic on the motorway, forcing you to brake and slow down to avoid any potential collision; or perhaps a driver pulls the finger at you when you have no idea what you’ve done wrong; or someone jumps the queue when you’ve been waiting long and patiently in it – and you don’t have that much time to spare, either!

In a recent coaching session, a client of mine was talking about how anger had been a frequent emotion in his family. His dad often responded very quickly in anger; he’d fire up at even the littlest things, and anger would take control and drive his behaviour. He had also recognised that it had become a response mechanism in his life, so situations would easily trigger his anger. 

We discussed how he’d get so quickly annoyed and angry while driving – at people who didn't indicate, who cut in front, who tailgated, or whatever it was they did that annoyed him; “How dare they do that?!” Those minor altercations would fire him up, and he’d then stew over the situation, muttering through his clenched teeth about the ineptitude of the other drivers. And his thoughts would continue, on and on, escalating his anger. 

I asked him what happened next, and he responded, “Well, my gut gets tight… my hands are clenched around the steering wheel, and I’ve got white knuckles. I clench my teeth, and I begin to drive faster, zooming in and out of the traffic to get ahead!” He then paused, thought a moment, and then laughed at his realisation, “And now, I’m probably the one cutting other people off! I’ve become the arsehole”.

Some of you might be relating to his story!

I know that when I’m not in the right headspace – or I’m running late – I can relate to that pattern of thinking. Others of you may think, “Man, this guy is wound way too tight! That never happens for me; I’m cruisy. That’s their issue, not mine.” But just pause a little, and remember: we’ve considered the process of how

‘what you think determines how you feel, and that then drives your response’...

Consider that thought again –“I’m cruisy. That’s their issue, not mine” – and contrast that with my client’s thought spiral (starting with, “How dare they do that?!”) following every aggravating experience on the road…

It’s important here to capture the two different thought processes. (Seems very simple, but let’s explore further). Now, this tends to happen very quickly. Our responses are habitual; we react based on our initial thoughts in any situation. So, if habit drives an outcome you don’t like or which isn’t working for you, how do you change it? It’s easy to say, “Just be more relaxed, it doesn't matter” – but that’s not enough to make a change on its own.

It’s about understanding what’s taking place and what’s going on in your mind. There are beliefs that you have that drive your thinking. 

If it's a habit, how can you change that behaviour?

The latest neuroscience research shows that changing behaviours is about getting control of our thinking prior to the point of action, before the thought fires. Our mind’s constantly firing thoughts; and what we think about something determines how we feel. For example, if by nature you’re shy when meeting new people, you may drop eye contact under the ‘tension’ of that situation – just as a child may avoid looking a newcomer in the eye and hide behind their parents. What we think about a situation then determines how we feel (our emotions); and, in turn, our feelings determine our actions – what we do. 

If you’ve learned to cope with frustration by venting your anger, as my client had done, you respond aggressively to express that anger and intimidate the other party.
Earlier in my business career, speaking up and sharing my thoughts in meetings was difficult. This was due partly to my nature, but exacerbated by my fear of saying the wrong thing and looking stupid. In fact, I probably feared feeling stupid more than looking stupid. So, if we’re going to achieve any long-lasting control in these situations, we need first to change our thinking. One way to do this is to create a new Personal Truth Statement that you can say to yourself in those pressure-filled situations, which can help you to control what you’re thinking and generate a new outcome.

You need to adhere to some guidelines in creating a Personal Truth Statement; it’s not just something you can create in the moment. You have to think ahead of time so that, when the situation arises, you can get into the habit of bringing the statement to mind immediately. 


Your Personal Truth Statement needs to be:

1. Written, constructed, and articulated in the present tense

– This way it’s relevant and real ‘in the moment.’

2. Short or concise in nature

– Your Statement won’t be effective in overriding your habitual impulse/response if it’s overly complicated.

3. True. 

– Our minds are keen; if we’re not being honest with ourselves, our mind will probably reject the statement.

4. Personal

– The more personal it is to you and your situation, the more empowering it will be.

5. Practised and at the ready.


– Our statements have to be as instinctive as possible in order to override the habitual response we’re trying to overcome.

Let’s return to our earlier discussion of these two competing thoughts to examine how to apply a new truth statement: “I’m cruisy. That’s their issue, not mine” vs. “How dare they do that?!” [followed by an anger spiral] 

We created a few examples of Personal Truth Statements for my client to use in learning to control his frustrations in various situations:

  • “It feels like it’s a personal attack, but it’s about them, not me!”
  • “I’m choosing to stay calm, focus on what I want, and be the better person here!”
  • “Life’s too short to let it be ruined by other people. I’m in control of my thoughts and feelings – no one else!”

These are a few of the Personal Truth Statements that helped him be more in control of his actions and behaviours. After some time he shared that his overall behaviour had significantly improved, others no longer had such a huge effect on him, and he was so much happier.

So, how can this apply to you? You can start by determining which habits are working against you. 

What do you tend to avoid? What’s painful? What tasks do you tend to avoid because there’s likely pain associated with that task? 

This can be a challenge, because we don’t always know what our habits are. It’s sometimes easier for others to see those areas that trip us up: a boss, a peer, or your partner! So – if you can, and you’re brave enough – involve the people around you, and ask if they’ve picked up on anything you do that works against you. Remember the Johari Window; there’s value in having others as mentors and coaches to help reveal these areas in life where you can improve.

Patterns of thinking kick in early and influence us throughout our lives.

Keep it top of mind: Be aware of your actions and your inaction, as either may be behaviours that are working against you. You can get control of them; but it’ll take time and require effort. The first and most crucial communication in any situation is what you say to yourself and how you control your EQ.