Do you know your communication style?
This article is directly cut from Richard’s book Legacies, within the Keep It Moving chapter. Enjoy!
You’re probably well aware that there are patterns in people's communication and how they interact with the world. Let’s take a
closer look at some of those patterns…
Just last week, I drove to the nearest tech store to buy a pair of noise-cancelling headphones for Isaac's birthday present. As I entered the shop, a staff member approached me; and as I walked past the 65-inch LED TVs, he said enthusiastically, “Wouldn’t you love one of those on your wall?!”
At first, I didn't even realise he was speaking to me – but when I realised he was, all I could think was, I need to get away from this person!
Why is it that, in a split second, I’d decided I didn’t want to connect with that retail assistant? What is it that makes us connect quickly with some people but not others? Why do we feel drawn to certain types, and the interaction seems easy – do they just ‘get’ you? But for others, it’s so hard – everything you do and say feels like it’s on a different wavelength. Well, there’s a saying that goes like this:
People like people like themselves.
We tend to connect quickly with others who are more like us. That makes sense, right? You see it in life and in the communities we live
in; those with similar interests mingle easily, because their common interest gives them things to talk about and do together. In our case,
many of our surfing friends live very similar lives to us, and we love talking about the same things. But there are deeper connections
to examine, too; and that involves who people naturally are – which influences (and sometimes controls) how they behave and
communicate.
Let’s start first by understanding a few factors that create these differences. The first is our natural inclination to be introverted or extroverted.
Isaac was wandering around the house from person to person, trying to find someone to talk to. It was late afternoon, and everyone was tired from an early morning and a big day out. But – unlike the others – although Isaac was physically exhausted, he still wanted to connect and engage. He’s extroverted by nature, first and foremost; and he has a need for company and conversation.
Extroverts tend to love talking; they’re often a little louder than their introverted counterparts. They’re naturally socially motivated and socially confident. They’re quick thinkers, unafraid to say what they think; and they actively contribute to the conversation. Like Isaac, they’re motivated by social connection – they need less time alone. So, how do you know if someone's an extrovert? The answer lies in where they derive their energy; extroverts are energised by being with other people. They’re the ones that, as the night goes on, seem to get more and more energy from the others around them.
So now, onto the introvert. PJ fits this description quite aptly; like most introverts, he tends to be more quiet and reserved. He watches, waits, and listens – and may not even contribute to the conversation unless asked and drawn in. He also tends to take more time in his approach to life and processes things more slowly and thoughtfully. Introverts derive their energy from alone time; their time out, away from others, where they recharge their human batteries.
So that’s one part of our nature that determines how easily we ‘click’ with others. The second part is in the difference between thinking-oriented people and those on the other end of the spectrum, who are more feeling-motivated. Let’s explore further… The ‘thinking’ type includes people who tend to focus on the task at hand first. Their language reflects their thinking style (“Well, I just ‘think’ that…”). They’re often more closed with their emotional response, so it can be challenging to understand how they feel about something. They’re often more black-and-white in their thoughts and opinions, and less concerned about thinking about how others may feel. On the other end of the spectrum lies the feeling-oriented person. They’re much more open with their responses, and they tend to process the world through their emotions. They naturally connect well with others; and they’re often kind, gentle, and caring in their interactions. Feelings-oriented individuals are motivated by the ‘people factor’ first’ they’re ‘people people.’ Their language, too, often reflects how they process the world (“I just ‘feel’ like…”).
So, there are two measures that we can use to create four primary and fundamental personality and communication styles. Let’s get into
these four personalities; I’ll introduce each style and its associated behaviours, and I’ll follow up with a few points on how
to better interact with each.
‘Direct’ Style
Starting in the ‘thinking and extroverted’ quadrant, you have a ‘Direct’ style. If you’re interacting with
someone who’s more ‘Direct’ (extroverted and thinking-based), you’ll notice that they tend to get straight to the
point in conversations. They have a firm voice, they use short sentences, and they’re not afraid to close the physical gap between you
and them. Their eye contact tends to be strong, and they’re communicating in a way that may seem to convey a demand:
“What’s in it for me?” With this personality style, it’s important to communicate in a way that avoids them feeling
like you’re wasting their time. Try to use shorter sentences, and set a concise agenda early in the conversation; this will help them
feel a sense of clarity and control. One, two, three points – count them out on your fingers, e.g., “So, what we need to go
through is: One, let’s look at… Two, I’ll talk about…” etc. The ‘Direct’ person likes to keep things
moving.
‘Expressive’ Style
Next, we have ‘Expressive’ people, who are extroverted but feeling-oriented. You’ll see that, of all the personality types, they’ll be talking the most, using gestures and big-picture examples. They’re loud, they don’t seem to listen, and they often repeat what they’re saying. They’re usually full of energy; they can be the life of a party. Use this energy to your advantage. Simply set a pattern by asking two or three questions in a row; this will get them talking and keep the energy up. Remember, ‘Expressive’ people need to be involved.
Key to ‘Expressive’ personalities is that they tend to confirm their thinking by talking.
‘Amiable’ Style
Moving to those who are still feeling-oriented but who are introverted, we find the ‘Amiable’ personality. They tend to be slightly reserved; they speak less, or only when asked questions. They have softer eye contact, and they’re incredible listeners with strong empathy and care. They’re ‘people people.’ Your ability to pick up on their ‘clues and cues’ – those underlying messages that are communicated subtly, even with just gesture or facial expression – and use them in your conversation can help them feel like you're listening to them. You can draw them out by asking clever questions about their ‘clues and cues,’ which quickly builds trust – and which therefore gives you more of a chance to uncover real issues, concerns and motivators that will help you to connect.
‘Analytical’ Style
Finally, we have the ‘Analytical’ personality type; a combination of introversion with thinking-motivation. Using facts, figures, and logic will help you with ‘Analytical’ people. They’re focus is on the task, and their introverted inclination means that they move more slowly in conversation. ‘Analytical’ people can sometimes be mistakenly labelled as pessimists, because of their tendency to notice or hone in on the negative first; but this is because the detail of the issue is often more critical to them. They think a lot – and often, there’s silence as they pause in conversation to process their thoughts. They also internalise many of their thoughts, rather than share them and they can become overly concerned with mundane issues.
You might have already recognised a few of your traits in these personality descriptions, or thought of others you know. But learning more about yourself – and learning more about others – will allow you to better understand and connect with people. It can help in all relationships, not to ‘put people in a box,’ but to better appreciate why they behave or interact the way they do. I’ve found it’s often in misunderstanding these differences that communication goes so quickly wrong.
There are several different personality assessments that we currently use in our business. We’ve found Extended DISC to be amazing,
enlightening and frightfully accurate; Connect with us to talk further about what might be suitable for you.
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