August 20, 2024

Do You Fear Pain?

This article is directly cut from Richard’s book Legacies, within the Keep It Alive chapter. Enjoy!

One Christmas, when our kids were younger, I’d decided with Kelly that we would build a half-pipe skate ramp. A few months later, a friend and I were heading down the freeway in a hired truck with a skate ramp on the tray. We set it in our backyard and began the skating experience. It took a little while, but – one by one – the kids started dropping in. I, on the other hand, was a little more reluctant. But the day came to challenge that reluctance. The kids were at school, and Kelly was out, and I decided it was time to take the drop. I got put on thick jeans and a jacket and slid on my snowboarding mitts, hoping that the extra padding would help soften the bad landings. And it helped! It took me a few more attempts than it had taken the kids – but I finally landed it, and I was away! A little bit of pain, and a massive feeling of being alive! 

Where and when I can, I endeavour to do something a little risky – something that could be a little painful, either physically or mentally. My job (which doesn’t feel like a job) frequently provides this opportunity. Running a high-level business skills workshop with people who are often older than me is a challenge; and the risk of failure keeps me feeling alive. 

Surfing, skating, snowboarding, and wakeboarding all help me ‘Keep It Alive’. All these activities promise fun, but they also contain the potential for pain. It’s not so much about avoiding boredom, but rather being careful to not allow myself to be comfortable for too long – not falling into a rut or doing the same things over and over again.

I’m constantly looking at how I can challenge myself, and how I can face the fears I may need to push through. Part of this even involves considering who in my life extends and challenges my more natural inclination to be safe. I know my kids help keep it alive, as my alarm sounds at 4:30AM on a Saturday to wake us for another summer's dawn surf. 

Variety; new experiences; new ideas; and pushing the boundaries on ‘the usual’ all help to keep it alive. 

My way of feeling alive may be different than yours, but the focus for me through this chapter will be to explore the benefits and examples of how you can Keep It Alive. 

“Oh my gosh, that feels colder!!” 

We’d just jumped back into the ice bath in our apartment complex’s wellness centre. 

“I think Cam said it’s 3℃” 

“It feels like it’s close to freezing point!” 

Isaac and PJ had just got out after enduring the ice bath for 10 minutes! I was focused on controlling my breathing; slowing it down to fight my natural instinct to hyperventilate… at least, it felt that way! The little ‘pins and needles’ point had passed, and the smell of chlorine dissipated as I continued to focus on keeping still; the more movement I made, the colder it felt. Kelly gave the countdown: “Four minutes and 59 seconds, done!” 

I stepped out at 5 minutes, feet onto the stone floors, eyes set ahead on the steam room to start the warming up process. 

What a way to feel alive – to ‘keep it alive.’ 

Every time we exit the ice bath, we experience euphoria. We feel alive. There’s a bit of pain through the process, but the result is incredible.

I’m no big chaser of extreme challenges or putting myself in the line of danger. Of course, everyone measures risk differently – but I consider myself a pretty mild-mannered person, taking on each challenge based on the knowledge that my previous experience will support me in doing the next. I’ve never broken a bone in my body or even had to go to hospital; I’ve always been naturally cautious. 

“Dad, let’s take a longer run at that jump and get more speed to clear the knuckle completely!” Isaac shouted excitedly. 

It was a ‘bluebird’ day; fresh snow, blue skies, and crisp air on the mountain. We’d been boarding now for three days on our first trip of the season, and I’d just started to feel as though I was back, entirely in control. My mind determined each reflex; and the board responded to that control. I’d done a few smaller jumps and landed well. I figured, I think I’m ready… The snow isn’t too hard; and it’s pretty quiet, so I probably won’t need to dodge anyone on the way down… 

“OK, let’s hit it! You first!” I called.

Isaac jumped to his feet, straight-lined to the jump, and – with a slight pop of his board – rose into the air. He grabbed the tail of his board, pulled it up for an impressive little tweak, and landed beyond the knuckle. Successful – and smooth as butter! I got to my feet, flicked a 180, and then smoothly echoed Isaac’s moves. It was such a satisfying feeling; pushing the limits of being in control, flying through the air, feeling free, and achieving a well-controlled jump. We’d talk about that particular jump for days to come.

I love being alive, and I love the joy and fulfilment that comes with experiences that make me feel alive. I’ve always preferred to be the person pursuing the experience versus watching someone else in action. I’d rather play a game of football than watch it on TV; I’d rather be in the surf than watch a competition unfold online. It’s not that I don’t watch, but it’s most assuredly not what I do most. Give me the experience any day over being a spectator. 

I think this is a key to keeping it alive, especially because, as we get older, we seem to crave more comfort. But when we pursue less challenging and more comfortable options, we miss out; ‘comfort’ doesn’t necessarily enhance our lives overall or long-term. 

Pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone is about taking the stairs, not the elevator; it’s about using your pedal power, and not just relying on the E-bike battery; it’s about playing the game, and not just watching from the sidelines. Remember, it’s about the journey, not just the destination. If our focus is always on getting there, we miss the journey along the way; a lot of life will slip you by if this tends to be your pattern. 

I’ve also learnt to take time, slow down, and stop along the way – to observe what’s happening around me and listen to the sounds of the birds in the trees; to smell the salt air from the ocean nearby, and just enjoy being in the moment.

I have no desire to surf a thirty-foot wave or take my snowboard off a forty-foot ledge on the mountain.

Is this a healthy approach? Or is it a fear-based reticence? What is it that either compels us or holds us back? Why are some people motivated to experience more extreme situations than others? Do those who ride the bigger waves have a better experience in life? Do wingsuiters experience the best possible feeling any human could? How do you judge whether you're pushing your limits or staying so far clear that you’re missing an aspect of life that just might bring you that feeling of being alive??

My son Isaac is the most daring one in our family, and he always has been. There was a point at which we'd refer to him by the nickname ‘A&E’ – inspired by the many visits we made with him to the Accident and Emergency (A&E) clinic. He’s broken many bones, had concussions, and hurt himself many times over –  not because he’s clumsy, but because he’d push the boundaries far quicker and further than anyone else. It’s a trait I admire; he’s different from me. But I've learnt that he can push and challenge me to take more risks, and I can push and challenge him to be more measured. It’s a good balance that generates healthy outcomes for us both!

Risk is just that: risk. As a friend says, “No risk it, no biscuit!” It’s easy to feel alive when there’s a measure of risk involved. Your own ‘risk it’ will depend on your situation, your experience, your ability, and your personality. The challenge is to create, enable and add these moments of risk to life. If you never challenge your fear of flying, you’re unlikely to experience life outside of the world you know. If you fear hurting yourself, you’ll be less likely to ride that mountain bike or jump onto that skateboard. If you fear heights, you’re likely to never stand in the window of a tall building and see the amazing views over the city skyline. If you only stay within the boundaries of feeling safe, you won’t experience what lies beyond those boundaries. 

What’s limiting you? And what can you do about it? 

How can you push your limit or step into your fear? 

Build courage! Build confidence. Say yes. Surround yourself with people who’ll push and challenge you. And step outside your comfort zone. Most of all, ask yourself, “What am I thinking that makes me feel afraid?”